Do you need marriage counselling?
Marriage Counselling is a support service for married couples who are struggling with issues ranging from intimacy, power struggles, difficulty in communication, sexual issues, jealously, infidelity, inlaws.
You might find it difficult to decide whether or not you need to go for marriage counselling. It is recommended to begin counselling as soon as issues arise. The later you enter counselling the more difficult it could be to repair the damage that your marriage has gone through.
Through continuous arguments and fights a lot of issues become gridlocked. Then arguments arise on the same concerns again and again. This takes a toll on intimacy and also sometimes self confidence of one or both the spouses involved. Sometimes one or both the partners involved start avoiding conflicts and get distance while feeling isolated. It only grows from here. Counsellors help the couples to regulate emotions and express them. It also helps them into self awareness and self improvement while checking expectations and forming appropriate goals.
>> One marriage counselling question to our psychologist: how to save a marriage when one of the spouses has already quit?
Our Marriage Counsellor Richa Khetawat answers you:
“This is universally common, one of the person in a couple, decides to quit the marriage and the other is blow out of his/her wits as it was totally unexpected. This happens as the one who decides to end the marriage thought about the conflicts, contempt, lack of communication, lack of intimacy, difference in goals and attitudes, abuse, affair, etc; whatever could be the reason for the perceived failure in marriage for a long time. He/she feels they have endured it long enough and want to end the pain by which they feel weighed down; while the other might have overlooked the gaps in the relationship, despite persistent underlying problems.
“Usually when this happens the one who wants to save the marriage gets desperate and begs, pleads manipulates, pressurise, starts giving in more than he/she can sustain in the long run, ridicules, threatens, intimidates, etc. When one wants to save the marriage while the other has walked out, to begin with, counselling would involve helping the person hold on and abstain from the above behaviour as this would further push the other spouse away. Rather one should start with accepting that it is the others’ decision which one cannot control. He/she should decide to save the marriage with a complete hope that it will work out.
“Start reflecting on why you would want to save the marriage is it a need or a habit; or is it something that you would want to build up for mutual happiness. The former will not work in saving marriage, you need to challenge your attitudes and see if you can reach the latter.
“It would further help the person understand where he/she must have contributed to the current state of marriage without blaming the other person. He/she should further start empathising with the other and make required amendments. He/she should be careful and not deliver more than he can sustain in the real long term if things get better.
“Whenever you get talking with your spouse it will help you to reflect on your early good memories while preparing yourself financially, emotional and physically for the divorce. It helps to discuss with your spouse how the change will impact individual lives, and maybe the life of your children.
“Counselling would till this point help you realise that you have gone through self growth. If your spouse still decides to move on your still in a good zone as you would be much more confident for the next time with another person.
“If your spouse agrees to go for counselling it will help you understand why he/she has chosen to walk out and what discuss perspectives to reduce feelings of guilt, disappointment. It also helps conclude things without ridiculing and blaming. Whether it is staying together or separating marriage is a responsibility that has to be taken together and counselling would guide you through the process. It helps the person who is walking out to get transparency, confidence and help him/her through the struggle of what is it that is best in this given situation and how to go about it. On the other hand it will help the one who wants to save the marriage, reduce the desperate feelings, feel bit more settled, while giving your best that you can and not making things worse by repeating behaviour that further pushes the other away. It helps towards self growth despite the impassiveness of the current situation from the other.
Online Counsellor Richa Khetawat has 10 years experience in marriage counselling individuals and couples from Delhi, Gurgaon, Noida and other north Indian cities . She holds Masters in Clinical Psychology from Delhi University and a Certificate in Clinical Psychology from the University of Edinburgh, UK. She received Women’s Awards for Dynamism and Innovation from Devi in 2016.